


closing in

by lonelydoctors



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Gen, Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio Friendship, Hurt No Comfort, Kageyama Tobio-centric, Karasuno Family, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Sugawara Koushi, OCD, Obsessive Behavior, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, basically tobio's slow descent into ocd, kageyama just gets...dragged into it, mentions of eating disorders, nothing of this happens consciously though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 19:38:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20452484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelydoctors/pseuds/lonelydoctors
Summary: Kageyama doesn’t remember when he started pacing back and forth in his room every evening. From his door, past his bed to the window and back. Exactly ten times, then he changes into his pyjamas and does it again. From his door, past his bed to the window and back. Exactly ten times.His eyelids feel heavy and he stifles a yawn while tapping the door with the back of his hand and turning around to start walking towards the window.Almost done.





	closing in

**Author's Note:**

> please be aware that the following subjects are mentioned or touched upon in this story. if you don't feel safe reading those things, please don't read any further. stay safe!
>
>> – ocd or obsessive behaviour and thoughts  
– eating problems  
– mild self harm as in sleep deprivation etc.  
– mild ptsd and self worth issues 

_He tosses and the dull sound of the ball hitting the floor reverberates around the room, echoing off the walls, and when he turns around to look, nobody’s there. They all stare at him out of the corner of their eyes, whispering to each other in hushed tones, and he slowly lowers his arms until snippets of their words reach him. “Selfish…egoistic…controlling…just like a king.”_

Kageyama wakes with a jolt, his body drenched in cold sweat. The damp clothes cling to his clammy skin uncomfortably and he pants heavily, trying to calm his heartbeat while his eyes dart across the dark room. _It’s alright_, he tells himself, _it’s just a dream, it’s over, it’s gone._

___________________

It’s his serves that he needs to work on. They’re not good enough yet, there’s still room for improvement. If he wants them to win, they’re going to need an impeccable setter and in order to become one, he needs to have better control. Control of the ball and control of his body.

_You always want to control everything, don’t you, King of the Court?_

No, this is different. He’s not trying to control anyone, he’s not telling other people what to do anymore. Yet, if he can’t control them and their slip-ups, then he can at least make sure his own body works perfectly and reduce the possibility for mistakes that way.

___________________

_Only 20 more_, Kageyama tells himself and tosses the ball into the air while his aching muscles protest and his joints ache. _That’s not many at all, I can do that even while exhausted._

When the door to the gym suddenly opens and Hinata comes barging in, Kageyama almost loses his balance and misses. He can just barely move his eyes back to the ball in time and hit it at a perfect angle, knocking over the bottle he placed on the other side of the net.

“Kageyama!” Hinata yells and grins. “Serve me some, too, I wanna practice my receives!”

Kageyama freezes, the next ball already in his hands and a frown on his face. Hinata keeps beaming at him, seemingly vibrating with giddy excitement, until Kageyama eventually gives in and huffs, averting his gaze and motioning for Hinata to get into position. “Alright, Dumbass.”

_20._

“Aw, man,” Hinata whines and looks after the ball that bounced off his arms to the side where it definitely isn’t supposed to go. “One more! I’ll definitely get it this time!”

Kageyama sucks in a sharp breath, his fingers clenching around the ball in his hands. He promised himself 20, and it’s been 20 serves now exactly.

“Come on, Bakageyama, serve the ball already!” Hinata shouts and bends his knees, eagerly waiting for him to keep going. But Kageyama can’t seem to move, his body rooted to the spot, while his hands grip the ball so tightly his knuckles turn white. With each passing second, Kageyama’s breaths get more shallow and Hinata grows more impatient until he eventually ends up frowning at Kageyama.

“Oi, Kageyama, what’s wrong, come on, I’m ready!”

He already did 20 serves, he can’t do any more. His fingers start to tingle and all of a sudden, Kageyama lets the ball drop to the floor, the sound reverberating around the silent gym and echoing off the walls. _And when he turns around to look, nobody’s there._

Hinata stands up straight and tilts his head, the frown on his face deepening as he looks at Kageyama. “Ka–“

“I’m tired, Hinata, I’m done for today.”

It’s not a lie exactly, his body _had_ been aching from the start. He simply needed to do 20 serves, so that’s what he did, no less, no more. Now his body can finally get some rest, he thinks, as he walks out of the gym, suppressing a yawn and ignoring Hinata who’s staring after him in confusion.

___________________

_…38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45._

Kageyama halts on the last step, looking down at his feet on top of the staircase before turning around to look back down. An uneasy feeling spreads inside his stomach and the mere thought of continuing on his way makes Kageyama’s skin crawl.

Slowly, without thinking about it, Kageyama goes back down two steps. _46, 47._

__

He knits his brows and takes a deep breath before taking a big leap to climb the same two steps at once. _48._

__

Slowly, his skin stops tingling weirdly and Kageyama closes his eyes, exhaling loudly before adjusting the strap of his bag and shoving his hands inside his pockets. _What does it matter anyway_, he thinks as he starts walking again. It’s not like he’s hurting anyone by doing it and he feels all the better for it.

___________________

Kageyama doesn’t remember when he started pacing back and forth in his room every evening. From his door, past his bed to the window and back. Exactly ten times, then he changes into his pyjamas and does it again. From his door, past his bed to the window and back. Exactly ten times.

__

His eyelids feel heavy and he stifles a yawn while tapping the door with the back of his hand and turning around to start walking towards the window. _Almost done._

__

When he does finally finish his nighty ritual, Kageyama settles into bed, a blissful sigh escaping him as his eyes flutter shut almost immediately, his tired body begging for sleep.

__

Kageyama doesn’t remember when he started pacing back and forth every evening, he just knows that he absolutely cannot get into bed if he doesn’t do it.

___________________

Its the middle of the night–the clock reads 03:32am, but Kageyama makes sure to wait until it changes to 03:33am before looking away–and he’s sat in front of his shelf, rearranging his books in alphabetical order. Just yesterday night, he put them into colour piles but tonight he somehow finds that he can’t go to sleep unless they’re sorted alphabetically. Colours don’t feel right anymore.

__

After he’s finished arranging all the books, he sits back and observes his work. Briefly, his gaze flickers towards the clock–03:59am–and lingers–04:00am–and back to the shelf. Kageyama made sure that each book was pushed in just the right amount so that they all had the same depth, and yet it still looks so messy,_ why does it still look so messy?_

__

Maybe organising them by size will make it better?

__

He doesn’t even notice the hours ticking by while he arranges and rearranges the books over and over again, in various combinations, until his mother suddenly knocks on the door, informing him of the fact that it’s already morning and he needs to get ready for school.

__

Kageyama jumps at the sound and his tired eyes widen as they dart towards the closed door and the clock, only to come to rest on his shelf again. His mouths sets into a thin line as he glares at the colourful spines, currently organised by the length of their title.

__

_School can wait_, he thinks as he starts taking them all out again. He needs to get those damn books in order first.

___________________

_Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap._

__

“Oi, Kageyama, can you, like, stop this noise, I can’t concentrate,” Tanaka breaks the silence and shoots Kageyama a look, ink on his cheek and a desperate glint to his eyes, before turning his attention back towards the open maths book in front of him.

__

Kageyama stills, fingers hovering in the air, just above the table. A few of the other team members also look up from their books briefly before returning to study in silence. Kageyama holds his breath and counts to ten in his head before exhaling slowly. He’ll just finish it quietly.

__

_Tap._

__

_Tap._

__

_Tap._

__

_100._

__

Relief washes over Kageyama in waves and he retracts his hand, burying it in his shirt and closing his eyes. Upon opening them again, he’s startled to find Tanaka throwing him a weird look, his eyes surprisingly calculating.

__

Quickly, Kageyama averts his gaze and yawns, feigning fatigue, before getting up from his seat. “I’m gonna go have an early night, guys.”

__

_What does it matter anyway_, he thinks as he leaves the room and heads straight for the gym. It’s not like he’s hurting anyone by doing it and he feels all the better for it.

___________________

Kageyama is way too aware of every bite of food going into the other’s mouth, as well as his own. Cautiously, almost carefully, he lifts the bowl to his mouth and starts putting rice into it. Hinata next to him is already slamming down his bowl and asking for seconds while he hasn’t even started eating yet.

__

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5._ Kageyama makes sure to chew slowly and deliberately, trying not to mess up the count in his head.

__

After chewing the rice in his mouth exactly 30 times, it turned to gooey mash and tastes like nothing when he swallows it but Kageyama doesn’t really care. At least, he could eat without feeling like his food will suffocate him.

__

“Are you okay?” Hinata’s voice suddenly breaks him out of his thoughts and Kageyama’s glad he hasn’t started chewing the next mouthful yet.

__

“Huh?” he hums in response and pushes the ball of rice around in his mouth, already coated in saliva.

__

“Why are you eating so slowly?”

__

Suga’s ears perk up at that and he stops eating, too, throwing Kageyama a concerned glance. With Hinata and Suga both looking at him, expecting an answer, and the mouthful of rice in his mouth slowly turning sticky, Kageyama feels cornered and heat starts to rise up in his cheeks.

__

He starts chewing then, slowly at first before speeding up, but not fast enough to lose count. When he finally reaches 30, he swallows and sets his bowl aside, turning to look at Hinata and Suga who are both staring at him, confusion reflecting in Hinata’s eyes while worry seems to have settled in Suga’s.

__

“I’m not that hungry today,” he answers eventually and Noya grins, snatching the half-eaten bowl from him.

__

“More for me then!”

__

Daichi immediately starts to scold Noya but Tanaka and Noya start fighting over the bowl and inhaling Kageyama’s food in a manner of seconds, ignoring Daichi completely while they laugh. Meanwhile, Suga and Asahi watch them, shaking their head in disbelief, and Hinata gapes at them for a while before shrugging and turning his attention back towards his own food.

__

It’s loud and busy and Kageyama’s stomach grumbles quietly, but he’s just glad that they’re not focused on him anymore. He doesn’t particularly feel like explaining that he can’t physically swallow his food until chewing it properly. Just the thought of it makes him feel sick.

___________________

All the vegetables go at the top. The green ones first, decreasing in size the further down on the plate they are. Then the yellow ones. Orange follows and red vegetables form the bottom part. After the vegetables comes the meat, ordered by size and colour and at the bottom Kageyama puts the rice, using his chopsticks to neatly press it into a square.

__

His brows are furrowed in concentration as he works on pushing the food on his plate around, searching for the perfect arrangement while his mouth starts to water at the smell.

__

The loud grumbling noise of his stomach breaks the silence of his room and all Kageyama wants to do is eat the dinner in front of him. But he can’t–not now, at least, not until it’s right. Not to mention the fact that it’ll take him hours to finish eating even after he can finally start.

__

When he eventually puts down his chopsticks and lets go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding, he looks down at his finished plate. By now, hours had passed since his mother had left him his dinner in front of his room and somehow it resembles an artwork more than actual food.

___________________

“Here, Kageyama, try this, it’s amazing!”

__

Kageyama’s whole world tilts sideways when Suga all of a sudden drops a piece of Sushi right in the middle of his plate, disrupting the order he worked so hard to achieve. His breathing catches in his throat and his heart starts thumping against his chest violently, sweat forming on his palms.

__

He gulps and looks up slowly, only to find a huge smile on Suga’s lips as he gestures towards the Sushi with his chopsticks. _Don’t you know what you did?_ Kageyama wants to shout, _I can’t eat that now!_

__

Instead, he swallows again and returns his gaze to the plate, eyes blown wide with terror as he stares at the offending object. _I can’t eat that now, I can’t eat that now, I can’t eat that now, I can’t eat that now, I can’t eat that now._

_ __ _

His ears start to ring and Kageyama abruptly drags his chair back and stands up, slamming his hands on the table. His voice wavers slightly as he says, “Excuse me, I need to go the bathroom.”

_ __ _

The room goes silent and they all stare after him in confusion when he walks out, heading straight towards the bathroom. He already started eating, he can’t just organise it again and start over, it wouldn’t be right anymore. Why didn’t he just wait? Why did he already have to start eating? _Why couldn’t Suga have just dumped his shitty food on his plate earlier?_

_ __ _

Kageyama’s stomach grumbles but he merely curls in on himself and presses a hand to it in response. He’d have to wait until breakfast now.

___________________

As soon as the door to the bathroom falls shut behind him, Kageyama turns on the tap and shoves his hands under it. The heat from the hot water running over his arms, slowly manages to calm him down and make him forget about the gnawing pain of hunger in his stomach.

_ __ _

He avoids looking at himself in the mirror as best as he can and instead focuses all his attention on scrubbing his hands clean, the practised movements soothing his pounding heart and easing the thoughts in his mind. _Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it._

_ __ _

After a while, Kageyama turns off the tap and dries his hands with the towel in his pocket absent-mindedly while his eyes are fixed on the edges of the sink. When his hands are as dry as they can get, he picks up his bag and heads towards the door. There is still so much he needs to do tonight and he’s already so tired, he better get started.

_ __ _

Before his hand can reach the cool metal of the doorknob, however, Kageyama stops and curls his fingers. There’s voices in his head holding him back, making him doubt whether he did it long enough, whether he might have missed a spot, _and did he even wash them the right way?_

_ __ _

Kageyama knows by now that he won’t stop thinking about it the whole night unless he acts on the urges, and he will, sooner or later, so he sighs and sets down his bag again, the dull thud reverberating around the room and echoing off the walls. _And when he turns around to look, nobody’s there._

_ __ _

Might as well give in now, it’s not like washing his hands is a bad thing.

_ __ _

Kageyama doesn’t know for how long he’s been standing in the bathroom, just washing his hands over and over and over again, when the door abruptly swings open and Hinata walks in.

_ __ _

“Kageyama!” he exclaims and jumps back in surprise, before adding, “Didn’t you leave ages ago?”

_ __ _

A few seconds pass before Kageyama presses his mouth into a thin line and grits his teeth. He doesn’t stop scrubbing his hands and Hinata stares at him, confusion written all over his face–_still 5 seconds to go_. Kageyama counts in his head, ignoring Hinata, until he can turn the tap off. When he goes to dry off his hands a second time, he has to suppress a wince at the rough material of the towel rubbing against his raw, reddened skin.

_ __ _

“I was just leaving,” he says and walks past Hinata towards the door. Without giving him the chance to reply, Kageyama slips outside and breathes in deeply. Only then does he notice how damp and hot the bathroom had been. Who knew using a bit of hot water could do that to a room?

___________________

Kageyama slips into the changing rooms and sits down with a sigh, burying his face in his hands. He messed up. Almost all of his serves today were terrible, not two consecutive ones hit the damn bottle and he knows it’s because his body is shaking with exhaustion and hunger, screaming for food.

_ __ _

_It can’t be helped, though,_ Kageyama thinks as he gets up and starts changing out of his uniform. Tomorrow he’ll just have to get up a few hours earlier to have enough time to eat breakfast for once. Maybe he wouldn’t mess up the serves then.

_ __ _

A quick glance at his watch tells him that he’s already way behind his schedule and, cursing quietly under his breath, Kageyama swiftly slips on his shoes and heads towards the door. He taps the toes of his shoes on the ground hastily, four times each (_1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4._) before grabbing his bag and running off, wind blowing in his face.

_ __ _

_45._

_ __ _

Two steps down, one big step up.

_ __ _

_48._

_ __ _

The steps to his house are always the last obstacle and by now, the movements are so ingrained into Kageyama’s brain that he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it anymore. He could almost forget about it altogether if it weren’t for the numbers constantly whizzing in his head, keeping count of everything.

___________________

Kageyama knows something is wrong with him by now. Instead of gaining control, it just seems to keep dwindling, slipping from his hands like water. There are so many _things_ he needs to do now, so many numbers in his head that he just can’t seem to ignore and it all just keeps getting more and more and more until Kageyama feels like suffocating under things that should be _normal_.

_ __ _

Why can’t I just _eat_? he asks himself while he stares at the plate in front of him, the food still not organised quite right after about two hours of making it.

_ __ _

Why can’t I just _go out_? he screams at himself while he taps his foot on the ground for the 20th time and checks his bags for his keys just once more.

_ __ _

Why can’t I just _sleep_? he yells at himself while he sits in front of his closet throwing out clothes that don’t fit in the way he needs them to.

_ __ _

_Why can’t I just stop?_

___________________

It’s his tenth and last round of laps and after he finishes Kageyama bends over and places his hands on his knees, gasping for breath. His legs feel heavy and shaky and his heartbeat doesn’t feel as regular as it should as his stomach grumbles again.

_ __ _

He checks the clock–10:23pm–and waits–10:24pm–before straightening up and reaching for the next ball, ignoring the pain flaring up in his arms. 20 more serves and then he’ll be done for today.

_ __ _

Kageyama's gotten so used to staying behind for hours after every training and each match, changing between serves and laps, that he doesn’t even remember the times when he used to only do 20 serves each evening, let alone the times when he didn’t do any at all.

_ __ _

_20, 10, 20, 10. 20, 10, 20, 10. _Until he did it all 15 times.

_ __ _

It used to give him comfort, this routine, a sense of control, and while it still is comforting in some way, Kageyama never felt less in control than he does now.

_ __ _

Just after he serves the first ball of the set, the door to the gym creaks open and Suga peeks inside, visibly surprised to find Kageyama still there. “Kageyama?”

_ __ _

Kageyama lands on his feet and nods curtly before grabbing another ball, his gaze flickering to his stopwatch. _13 seconds._ He waits. 2 seconds later, he jumps again, hitting the ball with as much force as he can. He hasn’t got time, he’s on a schedule.

_ __ _

“I was just about to close up…”

_ __ _

Suga’s voice is warm and gentle and Kageyama doesn’t know when he last felt warm and gentle. _Does it feel like hot water?_

_ __ _

“I just need to finish this set,” he says, already picking up the third ball. “I can close up if you like, Suga-san?”

_ __ _

Suga nods and gives him a thumbs up, placing the keys on the bench. He waits until Kageyama hit the ball before saying, “Thanks, Kageyama, I’m rather tired. Don’t stay up too long, though, alright? We have a match tomorrow.”

_ __ _

Kageyama knows. He also knows he likely won’t be getting any sleep at all tonight; he still needs to go over the tactics and strategies and it’s already so late and he won’t be done anyway by the time the morning breaks because the night is way too short and _he doesn’t have enough time._

_ __ _

He looks at his watch–_54 seconds_, so he’s got 6 seconds to spare–and stills. Gripping the ball in his hands tightly, Kageyama turns to looks at Suga, a silent plea in his eyes.

_ __ _

_Tell me to stop, tell me to stop, tell me to stop, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP_, he wants to scream, _make it stop, make me stop, _please_ make it stop._ But he doesn’t say anything and Suga merely gives him a sympathetic smile, telling him again to get some rest before turning his back on him and leaving the gym.

_ __ _

Kageyama’s hands tremble and his breathing speeds up as he stares at the closed door for a split second before blinking and forcing his aching arms up. His 6 seconds are over.

_ __ _

**Author's Note:**

> leave me a comment, maybe?  
[tumblr](https://lonelydoctors.tumblr.com) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/lonelydoctorss)


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